week eleven :)

Parenting. What is the purpose? Why is it important?

This week I loved hearing about Michael Popkin's thoughts and ideas. Popkin’s purposes of parenting are, “to protect and prepare children to survive and thrive in the world in which they will live,” and I love that! I think it fits any parent/child relationship because of how broad yet specific it is. What the protection and preparation are will depend on the environment the child lives and will live in, but all parents should be protecting and preparing their children no matter the circumstances. I also really appreciated that Popkin said “survive and thrive” because we want our children to do more than just survive. We should want our children to live the best lives they possibly can, but we have to be the ones to model that for them. If we are merely surviving, that is all our children will know, so more than likely, they will follow that example. We need to know how to get the most out of our lives because then we will be able to teach our children to do the same. Every child will have their own environment or “world” as Popkin says that they will live in, so parenting needs to be tailored to each individual child. That is something I remember my mom talking about on several occasions even though I and my 3 siblings were in the same family, raised in the same home, we all were very different and saw the world differently. Because of that, we all needed to be parented very differently, and my parents did parent us differently in some ways, however, some aspects were still the same. 

We also spent a good amount of time discussing Popkin’s “Needs Approach,” and I found it very interesting. He broke down five needs that children and teens have, then their mistaken approach to attempting to get those needs met, and how parents should approach the situation. 

The first need is contact and belonging, and I think we all need this as humans, but especially children. Children will often seek undue attention in other ways to try to get the contact and feeling of belonging that they so desperately need. It is so easy to see the mistaken approaches of children as misbehaving, but if you pay attention, there is a deeper reason behind their behavior. Something parents can do to correct that behavior and meet the real need of the child would be to offer contact freely and teach them to contribute to their surroundings. If there is a child that keeps acting out and always trying to touch others or get all the attention, they are more likely than not just wanting someone to touch them and help them feel needed and wanted in that situation.

Next is the need for power which is often expressed by children through rebellion or attempting to control others. Parents should correct their children’s mistaken approach by teaching them more about choices and the consequences they have. Another thing that helps is encouraging the children to have more responsibility whether that is for themselves, in the family, or even on a bigger scale than that. Parents need to help their children understand their agency and know how to use it effectively while also respecting others’ agency.

Children need protection and to feel protected. One way they might express this is through always needing to get revenge, but parents should teach them assertiveness and forgiveness to help them feel protected and know how to protect themselves

Withdrawing is another need that children have and often do not understand. They will participate in undue avoidance instead of simply taking a short break when needed, so they can focus and continue whatever they might have been working on. Parents need to teach their children that it is wise to take breaks and model what that might look like. It is so easy to overwork ourselves and/or avoid the work we should be doing, whereas, it is also so easy to set aside the time to take a break and reset.

Lastly, children need to be challenged because it helps them learn and grow. If children are not being challenged and are deprived of that, they tend to take undue risks. Parents should encourage them to build new skills and/or strengthen the skill(s) they already have. 

My favorite quote from class this week is, “You can never get enough of what you don’t need because what you don’t need won’t satisfy you,” by John Groberg. These children will continue to act in line with their mistaken approaches if the needs they are striving to meet are not met. They do not need to act out in order for that need to be met, but because of that, they will never get enough of that behavior until the need is met. We need to be aware of how the children around us are acting and what underlying needs might be unmet then how we can change that. We need to make sure that we and the children we know are being satisfied and our needs are being met.