week nine :)

Every single person in the whole world has to communicate with others for various reasons. However, it is something that humans as a general population need help with doing effectively. You would think that we would figure it out after a while since it is a necessity of daily living, yet miscommunication is still a major problem in any sort of relationship. This is probably due to several, varying reasons. Talking about how you’re honestly feeling requires vulnerability which is scary and uncomfortable. It is hard to even begin to put how you’re feeling into words, and when you do, there typically are not sufficient words to accurately express those feelings. Most people do not want to inconvenience the person they are communicating with or make them uncomfortable because of their thoughts and/or feelings. The list of reasons why people do not communicate effectively goes on and on forever, but this week we talked about David Burn’s five secrets of effective communication. This is a simple list of 5 things we can control to make our communication more effective especially in instances of confrontation.

The first thing on Burn’s list is the disarming technique. Often when people are upset they say a lot of things that they do not mean and a lot of things that are not the focus of the issue at hand. The disarming technique requires the listener to intently listen for the pieces of truth that are being said to them, then state those back to the speaker. This will help both parties to be on the same page regarding the real issue at hand, and it will help avoid all the unhelpful fluff that often comes with strong feelings. 

The second step on his list is empathy. We need to try our best to see where the other person is coming from. You can repeat what they told you back to them to show empathy for their thoughts, and you can also show empathy for their feelings by recognizing how they must feel through what they said and how they said it and expressing how you recognized that to them. 

Then Burn says we need inquiry in our conversations. We should ask loving questions to learn more about where the other person is coming from. Questions can help them elaborate on their thoughts and feelings on the matter at hand. They can also help you gain more information to better understand the person you are communicating with. Questions also show that you care enough to intently listen and ask thoughtful questions to learn more.

Using "I feel" Statements is fourth on the list. “I feel” statements are important because they allow you to express how you are feeling along with what you are thinking without targeting or blaming the other person. “You” statements should be avoided because they do the complete opposite. Someone cannot argue with you about your personal thoughts and feelings, but when you make assumptions or place blame, that harms the communication process that was being made.

The last step on Burn’s list is stroking. I feel like there has got to be a better word than that, but basically, you still need to express your admiration and respect for the other person even (maybe especially) in the middle of a heated conversation. It needs to be genuine or it does not work though. Make sure you mean it before you say it, or else they will be able to tell which will cause more harm than help. 

These five steps are seriously so simple when you think about them. However, words only make up 14% of our communication. Our tone makes up 35%, and our non-verbal cues make up 51% of communication. We need to be aware of all of them and the messages we are sending. We could be saying the exact words we should be saying, but if our tone and non-verbal cues are not matching that message, it will not work.

Everyone should evaluate their communication skills and choose at least one thing to start working on to improve them. The way we communicate affects our daily lives and everyone we interact with. It should be one of our top priorities to continue to strive to improve the communication skills we have.